If you’ve seen my picture you know how I feel about shaving. I believe one of the things that God said to Adam, off the record, was “And because you have done this thing, your face will grow thorns and thistles and condemned it will be to the blade of Gillette all the days of your life.” (Many of you daughters of Eve out there, no doubt, may speculate about how your legs have been similarly-cursed).
I still remember my first shave. I was fourteen and my dad bought me an electric razor. “Cool!” I pronounced to him when I finished, my hand going over my freshly-mowed cheeks and jaw. He laughed. “Talk to me in six months,” he said. He was right. Shaving sucks.
Sometimes I think heaven is a place where men don’t have to shave, or even trim their beards or moustaches. In heaven, I think every man is given just the right facial hair for the shape of their head, and it never grows or changes in any way. It just stays perfect all the time.
Then this morning I got to thinking: What if heaven is a place where facial hair does keep growing? Would it still be heaven? I pondered further. What if in heaven, facial hair does grow, but shaving is actually enjoyable? Ridiculous – what could make shaving fun?
Well, what if I could never cut myself shaving no matter how careless I was? What if the blade going across my skin felt like my wife’s fingertips? And what if the sound of the little hairs getting cut was your favorite music? For me, an old guy, probably the Beach Boys, although I also like Natasha Bedingfield and Pink.
And then I got to thinking, what if in heaven, you could actually feel your face hair growing, and it actually felt really, really nice? (Women, go ahead – substitute “legs” for “face” in that last sentence).
I am pretty twisted, yeah?